I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
