Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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