I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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