The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
