glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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