I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
