Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
