Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
