I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
