Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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