allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
