they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am naked and annoyed.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
