Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
