Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
