I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
