You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize