Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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