I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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