I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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