god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
