I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
