I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
