you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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