3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize