Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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