If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
