Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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