Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize