you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
