Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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