I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
time to smoke my breakfast
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
