What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
