Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
