I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
