And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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