Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
