I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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