he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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