Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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