I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You are the jesus of drinking
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
