i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I believe in your delicious
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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