i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
