my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
