I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
