I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize