just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
