We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
