Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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