Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
