im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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