I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
