Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
