I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
