I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
