omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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