those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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