i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
